sharksfood:

*throws waffles into the woods* for eleven

skillzyo:

Area Woman Outs Herself to Co-Worker Because She Had to Make A Gay Joke

xenosagaepisodeone:

with a heavy heart i must disclose that paul blart: mall cop does not pass the bechdel test

unclefather:

*at a slumber party*
*playing Simon says*
kid: clap your hands
me: *claps*
kid: Simon didn’t say says :)
me: that man doesn’t control me, no man controls me

weight-a-second:

concept: me, a housewife, putting two lean cuisines in the microwave. i drink an entire bottle of chardonnay during the four minutes the chicken fettuccine takes to heat up. my husband walks through the door just as i place the entrée on the table. he thanks me for slaving away all day over a hot stove. i have succeed in passing the lean cuisine off as my own creation. when he’s done, i tell him im in love with our maid, helen–who bears a striking resemblance to margot robbie–and that i will see him in court. im blind drunk and jump into a 1960s pink convertible that helen is driving. we laugh about the lean cuisines.

itchycoil:

I am faux self aware

a-big-furry-rat:

spyadults:

the scariest president had to be Rushmore because he had four heads

it’s a good thing we captured him in that mountain even if we have to live in fear of the spell wearing off :/

badtalents:

love me a girl with glasses. bring that blind ass here ma. no…over here smh

averagefairy:

rudiecantfailtomakeyoucum:

averagefairy:

cool girls are everywhere but its such a challenge to find one guy thats like mildly interesting to talk to……. it’s like they all have the personality of an actual adidas sandal

Maybe you’re a bitch

i mean i definitely am but youre still boring

tofugoddess:

You ever notice how like…. Every girl is pretty

jumex:

I actually hate being sappy like I’ll say “I missed you today” then immediately drag them to diffuse the situation